How To Become A Linux User

First, grow a neckbeard. Every group, every tribe of people have their own customs as far as dress and body decorations. As much as tattoos are a vital part of Pacific islander cultures, the neckbeard is that for the Linux community. Grow it long, and wear it with pride.

Second, only use really old Thinkpads. You will never gain any street cred in the Linux community by using nice equipment. The older and the crappier your computer is, the better. Old Thinkpads are the standard here, and the general rule is that you never should pay more than $50 for your used laptop. As soon as you get your Thinkpad, be sure to place as many stickers on it as you can. You want stickers displaying penguins, gnus, distro logos, and of course hacking/security stickers.

At this point, your ready for step three–stop going outside. There’s nothing out there for you anyway. Everything you could ever want in life can be found at a command prompt. So train yourself to immediately recognize things like sunlight and grass, and as soon as you see them, run, don’t walk, back to the safety of your computer.

Number four—Shaving, haircuts, and showering are frowned upon. Why are trying to look good? You no longer leave your house. And why are you trying to smell good? It’s just you in your house, because…

Number five, you must be alone. Linux users don’t have girlfriends, wives, significant others. Society is a concept we are unfamiliar with. And friends…they are allowed but only if they are online.

And the sixth way you the new Linux user can become like the longtime Linux user, tell everyone that you use Vim. Longtime Linux users constantly brag about how awesome they are because they use Vim. Now, I know what you’re thinking…Vim is difficult to learn. Don’t worry. You don’t actually have to learn Vim or even use Vim. Just tell people that you use it, but secretly keep using nano like a normal person.